Thursday, January 22, 2009


I am getting nowhere in my pursuit of bringing my son home.

Wait, that isn't exactly true.

I have come to the realization that it is completely out of my hands. It is in God's hands. I know I have done everything I possibly can at this time to........

I was about to say I was trusting God.

But I am unable to completely let go! I went back and changed the last sentence to include at this time. So am I saying for today and maybe tomorrow, I have done everything I can? But wait a few days and then I will need to be back to "doing" everything I can?

Here is what I have been doing.....

Calling every agency in the US that might possibly have any info for me, staying up late at night to be on Thailand time to call there to any agency that might have an answer, reading the same pages on the websites with info on visas, passports, etc....(I could do an infomercial at this point!), dwelling for most of the day on who I might be able to contact, what idea am I missing.....

Here is what I am missing.....

I am missing time with the 2 precious beings I do have right here with me. It will never again be just the two of them after Munchkin #3 comes home. I am missing days of their childhood that we KNOW goes way too fast anyway. I can't get those back! I have missed chances to laugh with them, pray with them, teach them, dance with them, talk with them, etc.....

Yes, I am missing those days with Munchkin #3, but he is not here right now. Peanut and Bug are here.

God has blessed me immensely with these 2 children. The struggle was long and hard. I do completely understand the beauty and wonder of being a Mother. Yet, I have been practically a zombie, living in a place on the other side of the world where I am not really "there" for anyone. #3 is going about his day just as normal, not impacted in any way by the fact that his mother is obsessed with thinking about getting him home. Peanut and Bug are directly impacted and most likely in a negative way.

What if this was to be the last day I have with one or both of them? (God forbid!) Did I live it to the fullest? Do I have good memories to hold on to? Do they? Did I hug them and do they know I love them?

I am literally unable to surrender to God's plan fully.

God doesn't want us to trust Him half the time or even 3/4's of the time. We aren't suppose to put stipulations on our trust. And that is EXACTLY what I am doing! I am telling Him he can have this problem as long as I don't think I could do better. Then I will take it back until I have done what I want....then maybe hand it over to Him again.

How scary is that?! I think I can do better than God!?!!!! WHOA!!!!

So my goal (just so you know, I was doing it again...writing at this time) is to rejoice in the moments I have right here, right now. And to do my best to allow God to give me peace and acceptance of it all being done in His time.

I had that peace when I started this post back on the 22nd.

It lasted a few very good days.

That peace was gone today and I slipped way far down.

I look forward to that peace returning tomorrow.


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