Thursday 3/12

Last Thursday morning I woke up at 6:15am which is very unusual for me. I got up, walked the dog and for some reason felt the need to go downstairs and check my emails. All very unusual. Now most mornings for the past umpteen weeks, I usually have rushed down to check my email for a response from Thailand. But that thought didn't even enter my mind and thankfully I was sleepy enough to ignore rational thinking. Well, low and behold, the Holy Spirit did indeed have a reason for prompting me as there was an email from the Bangkok Visa Unit. Our Article 5 had been sent on!!

I climbed back in bed, woke Papa up and told him!!

I forwarded the info to our agency and later talked with them. By that night, our contact emailed around 9pm saying she had emailed the Thailand SW letting her know we were ready to travel. About 2 hours later, I received another email saying which date works for you!!!!!*

We intended to take the first date, however over the weekend it came to my attention there was a long holiday during that time. We can't afford to be gone for extra time if the paperwork has delays and there offices are closed. We were disappointed for a little while, and then agreed we at least have a date and KNOW we are going!!!!!!

Here we come little man!!

*As a side note for anyone who may read this and question some steps--we have been approved by the governing board in Thailand since Oct.'08. It has been our country holding things up. So it is not like you can just email the SW and say, OK, I am ready to travel!! There is a process and we have gone through it, just a few extra steps for us and some things a little backwards.

I didn't want to lead anyone astray!!

So many emotions are moving through me. I hope to be able to put them down, share them, remember them.

I do know I am eternally grateful for the opportunity to grow our family. I thank God for the many people He has put in my life to share this journey. I thank God for allowing me to experience this journey, for the challenges and the rewards. I hope and pray I am able to honor Him by sharing our story, encouraging others in their struggles to be parents, to following God's call to care for His children.

8 years ago......

I was a Momma-in-waiting. We had been married 4+ years and had undiagnosed infertility. We were on the adoption path by this point and our paperwork was in S. Korea waiting to be matched with our first child.

Christmas 2000 had to have been one of my lowest points.

I honestly recall crying my way through many masses during Advent and Christmas.

At the time our paperwork had been sent over mid-October. Adoption time frames were very reliable back then and we were anticipating a January referral. So that would mean our child would have been born already as typically you were referred a 6 week old.

I struggled the whole Advent and Christmas season with the knowledge that my first child wasn't even going to be with me for his/her First Christmas. There was so much agony and despair, I remember just crying out to God that I couldn't understand WHY. So much was being sacrificed not carrying a child in my womb, how could this happen too.

Ahhh, if only I had been visited by the Ghost of Christmas Future.

January came and went. No calls. No referral.

Boys were more often referred to first time parents because when parents could request a gender, they more often chose a girl. At the time, we knew another family in town whose paperwork went the same time as ours. They had a son and were requesting a girl. Those two things combined made us fairly certain we would be referred a boy.

I truly didn't have a preference either way, I just wanted a baby.

February came and it happened. February 8th to be exact. THE CALL--second only to the travel call (ie: they are coming home or come pick them up)

I was at work. Thankfully my co-workers knew to ask who was calling for me and tell me to take the call in the backroom if it was my social worker.

As I would suspect many parents to say, I don't remember too much about that call. (Or they remember EVERYTHING) I know she told me it was a GIRL!!!

Unbelievable--did we even have a girl's name picked out?!

Then come the statistics of size, etc.... And her date of birth--12/29/2000

Do you see it?

DECEMBER 29

I sat in the backroom sobbing. Not only was I finally a Momma....to a little girl.....but God had heard me, known what was in my heart....and let me know He loved me.

He had/has plans for me. And even if we don't understand those plans, like those plans, agree with those plans, He will provide for us. His plans might not be what I dreamed but He showed me He did know the desires of my heart. And He gave me a reminder for life of His faithfulness and goodness. I just need to remember to watch for it and trust in it.

And, yes, HER FIRST CHRISTMAS was AWESOME!!!!!!!

M

Thank God for my infertility?

I have this weighing on my mind since I came across a post on a favorite blog of mine. Angie at Bring the Rain wrote a post in regards to thanking God for EVERYTHING not just the good stuff. (The actual post I am referring to was taken down by Angie, so you have to take my word for it!)

Angie is a wonderful Godly woman who is an excellent writer that has opened up her soul during a most tragic time to share with many who have suffered similarly. She and her hubby had a daughter die shortly after her birth. Angie has helped me grow in my relationship with Jesus as well as work through some of my feelings on my infertility. She really "won" me over when she included women who experience infertility in her National Remembrance Day Nov. 15th.

At the end of the post she gave a challenge. And that challenge has been dogging me for days now. She challenged us to write on a piece of paper something that we were thankful for.

But there was a catch, it had to be something we don't feel thankful for.

Yikes

I have been tossing this around in my mind since then. Here is where I am so far....

I CAN say thank you for my infertility for ONE reason.....I wouldn't be Mama to Peanut and Bug with Munchkin #3 coming from Thailand.

But then there are all the other reasons I struggle with being infertile~

know what it feels like to carry a child inside my body, created in the most beautiful way by God's incredible design for husband and wife

being able to offer the life sustaining nourishment my child needs from my own body as God created it

have a big family, bringing up those souls to love Jesus as much as I do, offering them to Him

be more financially comfortable, due to the cost differences between our fantastic health ins and the expenses involved in adoption

feel like I am not good enough, for God, for my husband

feel like we are not Catholic "enough", that God doesn't trust us enough to raise our children to honor Him

Maybe I am reading too much into writing that sentence of thanksgiving. I believe part of the idea was to be obedient in thanking God and letting Him work on our hearts to truly feel thankful.

I wish I could be more thankful for it all.

I hope nobody thinks I don't love my children. They ARE my children.

I do thank God for allowing me to be a Mother.

I do ache in the knowledge that I will leave this life here on earth never carrying a child in my womb.

Being able to connect those 2 halves is what I strive for, being able to thank God for each aspect of my infertility.

And when I am most down in my acceptance/understanding of this cross I carry, I turn to this verse--

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6

M

Adoption a Second Choice??

In our society, it is assumed you have infertility problems if you are adopting a child. This assumption leads many people to make comments suggesting that adoption is a second choice for a family.

I do know of quite a few families that have chosen to adopt rather than conceive a child.

We are not one of those families. We assumed we would have biological children. Like many, we never felt there would be a problem conceiving a child the "natural" way.

Turns out that wasn't "the plan".

We didn't follow many of the paths often taken for infertility treatments. We moved on to "plan B", adoption.

Does it naturally become a second choice because it is Plan B? Does it mean our children are any less than biological children would be to us?

The answer would be NO because....

With God as part of the equation, there is never a second choice. It is His first choice. His plan A for our family. It was NEVER in His plan for us to have a biological child.

It is not for me to ask Why. The Bible tells us "For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. "
Jeremiah 29:10-12

Would I have known the plans God has for me if we hadn't struggled with infertility? Peanut and Bug would not be OUR children. And they could not be any more OUR children had we "birthed" these 2 Munchkins.

There is no possibility my family is a second choice. I have hope and my children have a future and I can't wait to see His plans continue to unfold.

Birth Mothers

In the spirit of National Adoption Month, I am going to post about many aspects of adoption that are close to my heart. As an adoptive mother, I think it natural this be the first.


Peanut and Bug were both born in S. Korea. It was 8 years ago that we had just (in Oct.) become homestudy to Korea. In layman's terms that means our necessary paperwork had just been sent over to wait for the referral of our first child. This put us into one of the hurry up and wait moments that have become SO familiar to us. You hurry, hurry, hurry with your responsibilities so that you can sit and wait!

Now that left me with plenty of time to think, pray, learn and read. At the time we didn't even have a computer and adoption wasn't quite as "out there" as a topic of discussion as it is now. Though it still has a long way to go!

We knew at that time, our child was already conceived and growing in his/her birthmother's womb. I assumed (never really a good thing to do!) that abortions* were not readily available in S. Korea. My awe grew immensely for these precious women when I found out that it is rather "easy" to obtain an abortion there.


These women CHOSE life, so that I may be a mother.


In a society that frowns upon unwed women,

THEY CHOSE LIFE

in a society where open adoption doesn't exist so no chance to know or see their child,

THEY CHOSE LIFE

in a society where the child would not be accepted if he/she was adopted domestically,

THEY CHOSE LIFE

to carry that child for 9 months as an outward reminder to all of their "shame and disgrace",

THEY CHOSE LIFE

knowing if they chose to raise their child, poverty would be their future,

THEY CHOSE LIFE


Our family IS, because THEY CHOSE LIFE.

And I believe they loved their baby enough to make a plan, allowing them to have the best life possible. They had big dreams for their child. I believe it is my job to help my children reach for their dreams, for them, and for their birth mothers.

I strive everyday to do my best for Peanut and Bug to honor the choice their birth mothers made.

We talk to our children about Korea, their birth mothers and the different ways God creates a family.

I pray for my children's birth mothers every day. They are heavy on my heart on Peanut and Bug's birthdays. I wonder how they are doing, are they healthy, living, aware that God loves them, know that we love them, do they have other children/siblings to my children.....

I thank God for them always. I thank God they CHOSE life and I thank God He chose me.





I can't imagine one of them not being CHOSEN, can you?












Thank you to all Birth Mothers for making us infertile women MOTHERS. We are blessed beyond anything one can imagine. Please know your selfless act is so appreciated and honored by those of us blessed by your choices.

M


*FYI--We are a pro-life family.