Vacation--too soon?

Make a Smilebox slideshow

(Make sure you hit play 2x, once on this page, then again when the screen comes up to start the slideshow!)

We had a great time, definitely. I hadn't put too much thought into how it was going to be for Jet to go. Papa and I had talked a couple of times about it, things we knew to watch for in regards to attachment, etc.... It was a trip we had to go on for a variety of reasons and it was an opportunity for family to meet Jet.

From the start, though Jet was confused as to where we were going, how long to get there and the weather, he never exhibited his previous signs of being nervous/anxious/uncertain. He was hesitant and shy when meeting new people at first. Very normal behavior and a good sign, I believe. However, he was able to see his brother and sister interacting and seemed to fit right in.

The first part of the trip was family centered and busy with the 90th birthday party. We did take the 5 cousins for a photo shoot at the Pic*ure People which turned out fantastic! We had two 8 year olds, one 6 year old and 2 15 month olds!! So much fun, I look forward to posting a few once we hit our 6 month mark for Jet!

As you saw in the slideshow, the 2nd couple of days was at a friend's house which is very resort-like. Papa hadn't been back to IL in 5 years so he hadn't seen "L"'s new digs. Our kids combined with "Z" are safe with many options of things to do. Our munchkins have known L their whole life and are comfortable with her. She enjoys being with them, so it is easy for me to feel "off" and let them go to her. I realized shortly into the 2nd day Jet was becoming too comfortable with L and disregarding us. Peanut and Bug know what Mama and Papa have for rules and expectations still stands but that isn't something Jet could have known, let alone understood. Thankfully, it did come to my attention and I started to pull Jet back to me and Papa, insisting he come to us for things, hold our hands when necessary, etc...

As a side note, vacation is a difficult thing to explain, let alone one Jet had ever heard before. Usual chores are different or non-existant, different parenting is exhibited if other kids are involved, no routine, often more activities planned, lifestyle differences....So many things you don't realize when your other children have grown up with those differences, as they are in EVERY family, knowing that every family is unique. We have answered a few questions along the way but for the most part, it just IS.

For a child, who has one experience of a family/home in the US (or anywhere for that matter!), such a change can be confusing/overwhelming! And though his language skills are incredible, there are some things that aren't able to be explained in a way he can grasp.

Had we spent enough time trying to explain vacation? Did we do enough planning of what we needed to do, what our family/friends needed to not do? It is hard to think of EVERY scenario, each moment of what MIGHT happen.

What did happen I don't think I would have ever come up with in my mind as a scenario. No matter how much thinking I put into it.

Jet knew what state we lived in, we had used a map of America to show where our state was, where we were going, what states we would drive through and we had discussed we would be heading back home. Home and our state were two words we had used many times since Jet came home. We thought they were fairly solid in his understanding.

Leaving went off without a hitch. We had to stop by Papa's family one last time for a quick visit. Then the long ride back through the same states. We stopped at the same exit/restaurant/gas station. (For no reason other than we are creatures of habit!) Our emphasis was on home and our state. We arrived, unloaded the car and drove to return our rented car, picking up our car along the way. It was at a stop on the way home (again) when Jet fell apart. I was asking him a question and when I turned to look at him, I saw the tears glistening in his eyes. I opened up the flood gates by asking what was wrong. He sobbed and sobbed for a little while until he was able to choke out he liked Aunt L's house. He listed all the really fun things to do there as why he liked it and wanted to be there. I did my best to explain we all liked it, it wasn't like that every single day, Z didn't get to do that everyday, fall and snow were coming there too, and we would go back next year.

For a few days after I was told "I can't wait to go back to IL, I like Aunt L, I like Aunt L's house"...alot. Jet has had more melancholy episodes since returning and has been ATTACHED to my side. He has been like a bear on honey when he realizes I am on the phone with L. Jet has become more picky about things in our house, comparing it to L's house. He has become more assertive in things he WANTS, expecting to get them, like food choices, doing activities, not doing chores.

Some of those things could be related to regular family life adjusting, I realize, however the situations do present in similarity to our time in IL.

2 steps forward, 10 steps back...isn't that how the saying goes!! Or at least close! We enjoyed our time, no doubt! We had beautiful unexpected nice weather. Family and friends met our new son and we got to meet new nieces! New memories made! Lessons learned!

Thanks for reading!

P.S. Yes, it is Papa singing, playing guitar and a song he wrote on the Smilebox!!

Our Struggles

Wow, does time fly!

Our struggles here come and go. Each day brings new experiences for everyone. We have been spending alot of time working on individual relationships.

Peanut and Bug have never been very competitive with each other. It is something we worked hard at, like we play games to have fun with each other, not just to win. They have never been the type to challenge each other alot or to constantly struggle to be first.

It creates a different environment when there is a strong desire/need to be first or to always be looking to be the winner. I feel the atmosphere becomes more tense and that became hard for Peanut, Bug and myself. We all started to crack.

I will admit I did not anticipate not being first to be an issue. Jet came from an orphanage. He could not have been the first every time! Jet also struggles with a need for personal space that I didn't see as a problem because of living in an orphanage. It is a two-fold though, because he doesn't have a problem with invading YOUR personal space but prefers to have his own personal space left alone.

Bug is a very laid back kid. He has struggled more than I anticipated from the changes. Mostly from having to share his sister. He did start last week to be very bothered by the fact he was always last. Jet and Peanut were getting along well and would forget to include him.

Peanut has been an incredible big sister to Jet. She has been forgiving, helpful, generous and patient. Last week she momentarily lost her ability to tolerate all when the increased language skills brought out some not so nice words. Peanut is a spirited child who reacts dramatically to most everything. Fortunately, she only shared her thoughts with me, not in front of Jet or Bug.

Jet is at the stage with vocabulary where he understands alot, is able to communicate most things but lacks the names of the feelings or has a hard time using his words when he is upset. We have had more emotions from Jet in the last 2 weeks than we have had in the last 9+ weeks. More personality, more crying, more smiles, more frustrations, more sadness.......

Papa and I have spent time re-evaluating the needs of each member and of the family. We have purposely set up scenarios to address the above situations. Our focus till now has been on our family of five as a whole. Now we are trying to break it down as well into smaller relationships. We continue to keep our world small, though Jet does much better when we do go out. He is still often like a deer in the headlights. Not surprisingly.

We are having more days where the laughter and giggles out-numbers the crying. Thank you, God!!

Learning, loving and growing as a family of five!!

I love you's and Kisses

I had a different post planned for today. But then something happened that just had to be shared first!!

There are 2 things you need to remember to go with this story. We are an affectionate family and that has been an adjustment for Jet. And he has not always been very fond of me. (Putting it nicely!)

Peanut and Bug are huge huggers and kissers, with each other and with us parents. It has been a slightly uncomfortable thing for Jet. He has grimaced his way through some and I have had to encourage Peanut and Bug to give him some space at times. I have strongly believed seeing Peanut and Bug interact with each other and me has been really good for Jet.

At this point in time, Jet has hugged me, snuggled, allowed me to kiss him, bless him and has said I love you in return. I love you has been said as a repetitive thing, not necessarily understanding the meaning and emotion.

This morning I had the children gathered around me while I was slathering them in sunscreen. While waiting his turn, Bug was giving many kisses to my arm and cheek. Jet was getting the sunscreen applied so he had a good view of Bug's affection. I turned to Bug so my lips got his lips to surprise him once. Jet giggled. It was then Bug's turn for sunscreen.

Much to my amazement Jet started kissing my arm, kissed my cheek then moved his face in front of mine. Then he kissed me on the lips!! With only a little giggle following. WOW

Later in the day we were outside playing in the pool. Jet came up to, goggles and all, wrapped his arms around me, saying "I love you, Mama". Looking right at me.....through blue goggles....but looking right at me! This was completely on his own. Neither of his siblings had just been doing or saying that nor had I just said it!! WOW

Two times my breath was taken away and I had to fight for composure. I wouldn't trade it for anything.

This boy keeps stealing my heart a little more each day.

Attachment Part 3

Thank you to everyone for accepting my feelings. I appreciate all your kind words.

I best jump to the present though! We have come a LONG way. The day before we were scheduled to leave Thailand as we sat in the US Embassy, Jet leaned his elbow on my leg!! I couldn't believe it!! It felt wonderful. He leaned on me completely for the plane ride in order to look out the window. It has just continued from there!

Jet now snuggles on my lap, holds my hand well, gives me hugs, looks to be picked up, lets me put lotion on and kiss him.

Upon arriving in the states, I did hope it would help Jet to see Peanut, Bug and I interacting. All the above things didn't just happen right away. He would still be stiff in my lap, but not try to get away. I did encourage contact with me. For example, I put lotion on the kids, starting with Peanut so he could see it, rubbing and massaging for awhile. I exaggerated the care of any ouchies he got so I could have contact with him. I still do those things, I figure he missed out on a lot of that "mothering" so I need to make up for it. I also want our kids to have that example of a Mom for their future.

Papa and I had gone back to the orphanage with Jet a second time and were able to see better interaction with staff. There was definitely a more playful, fun relationship with the guys and more serious, caretaking with the women. We both agree had our other children been with us, it might have helped Jet to see the interactions between us and feel more comfortable with a Mama.

Our only concern is we what have seen when we are out, Jet easily hugs whomever is talking to us. There are times our other kids have done it first, but at times they haven't and we really don't know the person that well. So we obviously have that as a concern, to ensure he is able to distinguish the difference. We have not been going out much and my family knows only we help with those primary needs like food and bathroom.

We are simply amazed at the progress that has been made in our family over the last few weeks. Jet is an incredibly resilient child who I believe was well prepared for this adjustment. In some ways it seems he has always been here with us. He works so hard at the language. It has been fun for all of us to watch the wonder of the things we take for granted. The kids and i took him through the car wash the other day. Peanut and Bug have been waiting forever to do that and he loved it! His wonder and amazement is very contagious!

God has proven once again....He knows what He is doing!!

Attachment Part 2--Thailand

I would like to apologize NOW for the following things that will be mentioned in this post. I know myself and I will feel the need to say I am sorry or I feel bad for many of my thoughts, feelings or comments. That would make the post very long for me to write, you to read and I have no pictures planned along the way to add interest. :)) So I will try not to do that if you promise to remember I am being truthfully honest about very real emotions. Not all pretty ones. In a stressful situation (not to make excuses). I am very thankful I have a merciful God Who does already know the thoughts and feelings I experienced.

As I stated yesterday, I was not ruffled in the beginning. I was actually thrilled Jet liked his Papa and was able to spend this time with him. As a SAHM, who home schools, the kids and I have plenty of time to be together. As the primary caretaker at home, it was enjoyable to have Papa doing "more" than me. I enjoyed being there, watching these moments between Jet and his new Papa. My husband MORE than stepped up to the plate which made it even more enjoyable to witness.

When I started noticing the difference in play with me, not sitting on my lap, trying to worm his hand out of mine, etc...I made mention to Papa. He didn't "see" it. I wasn't trying hard enough.

Now in all fairness to my hubby, he was not trying to mean here. As far as he not seeing it, the times most of those things happened we were out somewhere. The busy, hectic streets of Bangkok, a meeting for the adoption, the orphanage, a restaurant. As for the not trying hard enough, I will admit I was slightly uneasy. I was not too sure of myself, not wanting to scare the kid but emotionally wanting to swoop this child up, hug and kiss him and not let go. We had been dreaming and thinking about THIS particular child for 20 months. I knew my 2 kids loved hugs, snuggles, etc, but I was concerned it might be too much for him. So to a degree, I held back, I believe in retrospect.

I felt like I detached a little too, partly due to the fact that I was in a foreign country to bring my son home and also due to the emotions surrounding seeing the poverty, so many children without families and sex trade. We live in the land of plenty. I know there is poverty in the US, I just haven't seen it. And this I saw, every time we left our hotel.

I now realize the rather sheltered life I have led, though if you had asked me prior to this trip I would not have answered in that way. (Oops, I did have pics to share)

So after grumbling at my husband for being mean ;)), I tried even harder. I did make sure Papa was watching though. Not only to see for himself the difference but that I was trying.

During this time, I, of course, told Papa we knew this could happen. It wasn't unusual. The books did mention this as a possibility. However, how can one plan the way they will handle it, if it
happens to them?

I persevered. I still got in the water with them at the pool. I pretended to be a shark after Jet just like Papa was doing. I grabbed his hand to hold when necessary and "danced" our hands trying to make a game out of it. I tried very hard to ignore the unhappy shrieks and looks of disdain from Jet.

I never did stop trying but gradually I found myself walking a few steps behind Jet and Papa. Letting them be in their world and me be in mine. I did what I wanted, if I wanted to read in the sun, I did. If I saw something to look at in a store, I stopped. I took care of all the adoption paperwork stuff leaving child duty up to Papa. I was still a part of everything, but a distant part. I felt it didn't matter whether I was there or not.

Eventually, I became so disheartened I started making rather mean comments to my husband. In private, between us and not directed at him (or Jet) but venting, frustrated (and possibly snide :(( ) comments. I tend to be the picture taker in our house. Jet refused to be in pictures with me and he refused to smile (or look at me) when I was trying to take a picture of him and Papa. So I started making comments about not even bothering to take our camera with us since we weren't going to get any good pictures anyway. This is one example of the irritation I allowed to slip out to my husband. I struggled with wanting to "force" the child (my view at the time) to do the things he didn't want to do like hold my hand, sit on my lap. Those were my thoughts when the anger and frustration threatened to take over. I DID win that battle, just so you know. :))

My Peanut was home miserable with a BAD case of the chicken pox, my Bug REALLY missed his Mama and my long-waited-for Jet wanted NOTHING to do with me.

What had we done, I thought?

Next installment tomorrow....

Attachment Part 1-Thailand

I had read the books.

I did the online classes.

I had read blogs, forums and bulletin boards.

I knew the stories well. Quite often when a child first joins a family through adoption a preference is shown for one parent. Not only is a preference shown for one but the other parent is often unable to do anything for the child without making them upset.

I was confident in our ability to handle this situation. Our 8 year old son had pictures of us. The few things I had come across in relation to older child adoption had comments like "the minute she saw us she knew who we were!", "he recognized us and flew into our arms".

Besides, I am a Mama, an affectionate, hugging, kissing, hand-holding, child carrying, snuggling, loving Mama. It seemed to me, if Jet didn't come running into our arms instantly, I would most certainly be the one he would attach to you at first.

(I must insert a reminder here--I am keeping it real, telling it like it is, human flaws and all.)

Yes, it would be me.
It wasn't me.

NOT BY A LONG SHOT WAS IT ME!! At the orphanage Jet came to both of us hesitantly. He allowed both of us to give him side-to-side hugs. Neither one of us pushed it at all. He seemed to like us, was ready to go with us but was reserved as well. Naturally.

Within a few short hours this was the way he was with hubby:

A subtle change had started to take place. He was definitely preferring Papa, liking to hold his hand when it was necessary, looking to him for answers and direction. I wasn't too concerned, really didn't notice it. Only in retrospect am I able to see it. I went about doing things for him, swooping in as that loving Mama when the grieving it the first night.

Papa and I started to notice things the next few days. Like when it was necessary for him to hold a hand (crossing a street) he would lunge for Papa. No exaggeration--LUNGE. Jet got to the point where he knew the time was coming for one of us to reach for his hand so he would grab Papa's prior to us reaching. My leg literally could not touch his leg when sitting next to each other. In the situations where he had NO CHOICE (because if there WAS a choice, he was nowhere near me) but to sit next to me, he spent the entire time shifting, moving, trying not to allow any part of him to touch any part of me.

If Papa and I were sitting next to each other, Jet would stand on the side of Papa that was not near me. If Papa moved him in between us, Jet would become very antsy and move back as soon as he could. Doing everything he could to keep his body so no part was touching me. If for any reason I was closest and needed to pull Jet onto my lap he resisted, keeping his body stiff and feet on the ground. His hands would work to "free" himself from me.

Getting out of the cab I would reach for Jet's hand to get us to safety while Papa paid the driver. Jet would not "hold" my hand, rather he would work to twist his hand out of mine, looking at me with disdain. The minute Papa was free Jet was grabbing his hand and looking at me to release his other hand. When the 3 of us were playing in the pool, I would try to swim after him like Papa did or play in a similar way. Jet would make a whine sound and, again, lunge for Papa. To protect him.

When I said he wasn't fond of me, I really wasn't kidding.

It wasn't me. In a big way.

I do not write any of this for sympathy. It is what it is. The idea is for families to share, be aware, know they are not alone in this journey of adoption we are called to.

I will be keeping it real tomorrow with MY reactions!