I have this weighing on my mind since I came across a post on a favorite blog of mine. Angie at Bring the Rain wrote a post in regards to thanking God for EVERYTHING not just the good stuff. (The actual post I am referring to was taken down by Angie, so you have to take my word for it!)
Angie is a wonderful Godly woman who is an excellent writer that has opened up her soul during a most tragic time to share with many who have suffered similarly. She and her hubby had a daughter die shortly after her birth. Angie has helped me grow in my relationship with Jesus as well as work through some of my feelings on my infertility. She really "won" me over when she included women who experience infertility in her National Remembrance Day Nov. 15th.
At the end of the post she gave a challenge. And that challenge has been dogging me for days now. She challenged us to write on a piece of paper something that we were thankful for.
But there was a catch, it had to be something we don't feel thankful for.
I have been tossing this around in my mind since then. Here is where I am so far....
I CAN say thank you for my infertility for ONE reason.....I wouldn't be Mama to Peanut and Bug with Munchkin #3 coming from Thailand.
But then there are all the other reasons I struggle with being infertile~
know what it feels like to carry a child inside my body, created in the most beautiful way by God's incredible design for husband and wife
being able to offer the life sustaining nourishment my child needs from my own body as God created it
have a big family, bringing up those souls to love Jesus as much as I do, offering them to Him
be more financially comfortable, due to the cost differences between our fantastic health ins and the expenses involved in adoption
feel like I am not good enough, for God, for my husband
feel like we are not Catholic "enough", that God doesn't trust us enough to raise our children to honor Him
Maybe I am reading too much into writing that sentence of thanksgiving. I believe part of the idea was to be obedient in thanking God and letting Him work on our hearts to truly feel thankful.
I wish I could be more thankful for it all.
I hope nobody thinks I don't love my children. They ARE my children.
I do thank God for allowing me to be a Mother.
I do ache in the knowledge that I will leave this life here on earth never carrying a child in my womb.
Being able to connect those 2 halves is what I strive for, being able to thank God for each aspect of my infertility.
And when I am most down in my acceptance/understanding of this cross I carry, I turn to this verse--
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6